I took this picture of myself to see the progress
I thought after two years I should be much further than this! All I could see was the lack of definition. I felt I was still sticking out. I was just utterly disappointed and hurt. I showed my husband from whom, I got a positive response. Yet I still couldn’t see it. It made me really sad for a whole day I kept looking at my goal where I wanted to be. I knew when I shifted my goal from losing weight- to getting stronger – stronger with abs, I knew I’d might not ever achieve 100% 6 pack awesomeness. I have had 7 babies and reality has to be a part of goals.
Here is a picture close to my goal but to be honest I don’t expect that- I am a different person- but you get the idea
I want definition.
I want to be able to not see a pooch!
I don’t even know if this is possible!!! People, I have given birth seven babies, but I sure want to try and so I was highly disappointed.
Then all of a sudden this negative thought series spiraled. I looked in the mirror and started noticing the blemishes and ache. They where more than normal from my having just had my period and all these extra sweaty work outs did not help. I started to notice all the many other little “flaws” I have. Then I started really questioning myself, what I was doing and why- was all this worth it?
Then another web began. I started to beat myself up. I started thinking all the little times I didn’t say no to that small rare treat.
Forget the fact that I’ve said, “no” to thousands of sugary sweets. I’ve watched my husband eat them on the couch. I’ve watched my kids enjoy them. Then a new web formed and another spiral started. I began thinking about how I was loosening up a little in my diet and thinking well if you really want to get there you better be more serious… all these thoughts are flooding in and the war was raging in my head.
I wasn’t loving myself.
I wasn’t loving my progress.
I definitely wasn’t doing myself any credit for the hard work I’ve done.
I was reaching uncontrolled spiraling, when I heard that voice. Praise God for the Holy Spirit, because He came in and said, “why are you listening to these words? These Lies? Why are you taking the beauty and glory out of the hard work, I’ve encouraged you and motivated you through. Why are you stealing the joy of the stubbornness I gave you while I was knitting you in your mothers womb? Why?”
“These thoughts are not real. This is not reality! I love you! You should love you! You have worked hard! I’ve given you this endurance. Instead of seeing the beauty and enjoying the fruit. You wallowing in the filth of lies!”
So am I where I want to be- No. Maybe I’ll get there maybe I won’t!
I praise God that He helped me refocus. Unweave the webs and spirals of lies. Come out of the darkness and into the light so I could see. So I could pick myself up and move forward. So I did not end the day feeling defeated.
I am on this journey and I plan to see it through. And with the strength of the Lord it can be done. How far I am not sure yet but I sure as hell am not giving in or up!
There is a War and it is so very much in my mind!!!!!!
I am strong because of Christ. Because when I am weak- He picks me up. He encourages me to fly.